Disgusted of Cerignano...

Weed paws:

Dear Comrades,

My eyebrows are twitching violently with annoyance…

But why? I hear you ask. You live in a large house with devoted slaves and all the lizards you can eat.

Well, my bewhiskered brethren, I will tell you my recent torturous tale.

Firstly, despite promises not to desert me again for a while, Mother and Father left me alone with the LBR for five whole days. A life sentence more like, including half-rations. As every proper lady should, I take my time with meals and the pesky little rodent stole half my food when I wasn’t looking. So I was hungry for days. And there were no crunchies, no heating, no one to sing to in the shower in my fine soprano voice, plus the hot water bottle went cold after a few meagre hours. Outrageous.

As if that wasn’t enough sufferance, upon their return, I noticed a large package in the hallway. I was hoping it might be the inflatable rocket-launcher that I had ordered from Acme Enterprises in their absence, but alas it was addressed to Mother. Full of colourful fabrics from India, she said. This is all very well and good, but my ears dropped when she decided with Father that they were to be hung on the ceiling of their den. ‘Their’ den?! Don’t they realise that this MY room? My rat-free inner sanctum for plotting world domination with a specially partitioned area for the production of Weapons of Mass Fluff? Can a gorgeous, intelligent and witty feline find no privacy in Tuscany? I may just have to find somewhere else to live – it’s getting unbearable.

Mind you, my bean bag bed is soft and squishy and there are the occasional ham treats. And having had a sneaky peek at their latest bank statement and being fully aware of Father’s lack of DIY skills, it will be at least a year before they take over the Weedorium with their fancy home cinema system and exotic silk hangings. So I will just pen my letter of complaint to the Management and keep my whiskers up. We shall not be overcome by mere rodent and human exploits, my faithful international friends. Never in the field of feline conflict… and all that.

No more sosiges :o(

I is a greedie rat. That’s wot Ma an Pa keep tellin me. But itz just that i has a big bellie. It needz lotz an lotz of kit-e-kat, ham, cheeze an me favorit sosiges to fill the enormus hole between me ears an me bum. For exampul, wen me parentz went away to the place they used to live, the nice gurl down the road fed me for five dayz. She didnt wotch Big Catz boul like me Ma does so I nikked lotz of her food too. I waz a very full an happie rat an was such a clever girl becoz i inventid a new game called Roll the Rodent. That is becoz walkin on me pawz has becom a bit hard with a large tummie so I find that rolypolyin everywhere is best.

Now me parentz are bak home, they has put me on somefink called a Diot. Itz not very nice becoz i doesnt get me spechul crunchies at nite anymore. Worse still, there are no more sosiges. I is rafer annoyed. So i keepz bitin ancles an eatin jumperz in the hope that they will see wot a poor starvin rat i is.

Big Cat brught home a mouz the other day. The tail was delishus but Ma made a funny squeaky sownd when she sawz me and then Big Cat ran off an woodnt let me eet the rest.

At leest me parentz letz me sleep rite by the firey thing so i is warm an snugly. Sometimes I crawl betweens them at nite to keep warm an to nibble their toze. They is quite nice to eet. I made a nice big love puff the other day but Daddie said it was too smellie and shuved me out of bed.

I hope this Diot thing endz soon becoz me tummie keepz makin strange noizes. Ma sayz that Auntie Chloee is comin to stay soon… maybe if I look reely cute she will bring me sum sosiges. I must practiz me extra lowd bumblez and sad face.