That’s it. I’m packing my favourite toy mouse and tin of crunchies and I’m leaving. As if the introduction of the LBR, the lack of silver service, inadequate heating and the threat of my inner sanctum being converted into a home cinema wasn’t enough, I am now being force-fed!
Today was medicine day, apparently. Although obviously, determined not to be controlled, I led a single-cat rebellion against my evil parents’ plans.
Just before supper, as I was sitting beside my bowl singing the delicately moving aria ‘Oh mio caro papa, feed me per favore’ (Madame Bottyfluff), from out of nowhere, Daddy scooped me up and pinned me to his chest, while mummy prized open my beautiful fluffy jaws, produced an enormous white slab, and tried to pop the ghastly thing into my mouth.
Of course, my fellow felines, you would have been so proud of my resistance…
Despite my human restraints, I managed to scratch Mummy’s arm and spew the pill onto Daddy’s best cashmere jumper.
On the second attempt, I spat out the now half-mangled blob even quicker – this time onto Daddy’s arm, leaving white, gritty drool marks everywhere.
On the third attempt, mother was now bleeding and swearing as I lashed out my sharpest claws and hissed, growled and cursed at the pair of traitors formerly known as my parents. Another cat victory.
It was all-out Man v Feline War.
On Attempt Four, after a fine display of the best acting a feline can muster, just when I had tricked them into thinking it had been swallowed, I retched a now slightly smaller white mush onto the floor.
At this point, the enemy was weakened in their scrabble to salvage the blob, so I managed to rip the female’s top, break free and run for freedom! But the blighters were more conniving than I thought: They had shut the door. Damn.
By attempt number five, through more blood, fur-flying and panic, I did an impressive long-distance projectile across the lounge.
But despite breathlessness and injuries, still they continued in their stupid campaign. This time, the Male Traitor wrestled me into the famously immoveable Whisker-Hold while the Female one used her two remaining healthy fingers to shove the pill to the back of my trembling throat. What is a cat to do? Well, more scratching and looking seriously annoyed, obviously, but I’m afraid that I was caught off-guard by glancing at the bag of crunchies on the worktop and they finally seized the opportunity to drug me! I’m hoping that it will not kill me. Female Traitor says it’s something to do with me having worms, but I haven’t eaten any worms since I was a kitten, so I think it’s just a ruse to make me submissive.
As I said, I’m leaving this torture facility any minute now. Just need to have a little nap on the sofa by the fire first. Purely for energy to continue my fight, you understand…
7 December 2010
Medisin – Stinky’s version
I dont lik diots! It is not going well an i is a grumpy rat. No sosiges for weeks – can you imagin?! That sed, a few dayz ago i did nik quite a lot of choclit cayke that Ma had baked for Auntie Chloee and that was reelly yummy. My tummy looked even bigger an nicer afterwardz.
I wonder if it mite be my birfday today becoz I gotz an even more spechul treet. Sumfink to do wif Big Cat havin wurms, mummy sed. Is that an inglish puddin?
I was quite jelus of Big Cat wen I saw her bein fed her porshun so i was reely excited to see me Ma reach into the nice silver packit an get one for me too. Of corse I gobbled it up reely quick. It was delishush! I likked me lips an then gave Ma an Pa a grateful kiss. I hopes i get anuffer one tomorrow.
I wonder if it mite be my birfday today becoz I gotz an even more spechul treet. Sumfink to do wif Big Cat havin wurms, mummy sed. Is that an inglish puddin?
I was quite jelus of Big Cat wen I saw her bein fed her porshun so i was reely excited to see me Ma reach into the nice silver packit an get one for me too. Of corse I gobbled it up reely quick. It was delishush! I likked me lips an then gave Ma an Pa a grateful kiss. I hopes i get anuffer one tomorrow.
19 November 2010
Disgusted of Cerignano...
Weed paws:
Dear Comrades,
My eyebrows are twitching violently with annoyance…
But why? I hear you ask. You live in a large house with devoted slaves and all the lizards you can eat.
Well, my bewhiskered brethren, I will tell you my recent torturous tale.
Firstly, despite promises not to desert me again for a while, Mother and Father left me alone with the LBR for five whole days. A life sentence more like, including half-rations. As every proper lady should, I take my time with meals and the pesky little rodent stole half my food when I wasn’t looking. So I was hungry for days. And there were no crunchies, no heating, no one to sing to in the shower in my fine soprano voice, plus the hot water bottle went cold after a few meagre hours. Outrageous.
As if that wasn’t enough sufferance, upon their return, I noticed a large package in the hallway. I was hoping it might be the inflatable rocket-launcher that I had ordered from Acme Enterprises in their absence, but alas it was addressed to Mother. Full of colourful fabrics from India, she said. This is all very well and good, but my ears dropped when she decided with Father that they were to be hung on the ceiling of their den. ‘Their’ den?! Don’t they realise that this MY room? My rat-free inner sanctum for plotting world domination with a specially partitioned area for the production of Weapons of Mass Fluff? Can a gorgeous, intelligent and witty feline find no privacy in Tuscany? I may just have to find somewhere else to live – it’s getting unbearable.
Mind you, my bean bag bed is soft and squishy and there are the occasional ham treats. And having had a sneaky peek at their latest bank statement and being fully aware of Father’s lack of DIY skills, it will be at least a year before they take over the Weedorium with their fancy home cinema system and exotic silk hangings. So I will just pen my letter of complaint to the Management and keep my whiskers up. We shall not be overcome by mere rodent and human exploits, my faithful international friends. Never in the field of feline conflict… and all that.
Dear Comrades,
My eyebrows are twitching violently with annoyance…
But why? I hear you ask. You live in a large house with devoted slaves and all the lizards you can eat.
Well, my bewhiskered brethren, I will tell you my recent torturous tale.
Firstly, despite promises not to desert me again for a while, Mother and Father left me alone with the LBR for five whole days. A life sentence more like, including half-rations. As every proper lady should, I take my time with meals and the pesky little rodent stole half my food when I wasn’t looking. So I was hungry for days. And there were no crunchies, no heating, no one to sing to in the shower in my fine soprano voice, plus the hot water bottle went cold after a few meagre hours. Outrageous.
As if that wasn’t enough sufferance, upon their return, I noticed a large package in the hallway. I was hoping it might be the inflatable rocket-launcher that I had ordered from Acme Enterprises in their absence, but alas it was addressed to Mother. Full of colourful fabrics from India, she said. This is all very well and good, but my ears dropped when she decided with Father that they were to be hung on the ceiling of their den. ‘Their’ den?! Don’t they realise that this MY room? My rat-free inner sanctum for plotting world domination with a specially partitioned area for the production of Weapons of Mass Fluff? Can a gorgeous, intelligent and witty feline find no privacy in Tuscany? I may just have to find somewhere else to live – it’s getting unbearable.
Mind you, my bean bag bed is soft and squishy and there are the occasional ham treats. And having had a sneaky peek at their latest bank statement and being fully aware of Father’s lack of DIY skills, it will be at least a year before they take over the Weedorium with their fancy home cinema system and exotic silk hangings. So I will just pen my letter of complaint to the Management and keep my whiskers up. We shall not be overcome by mere rodent and human exploits, my faithful international friends. Never in the field of feline conflict… and all that.
No more sosiges :o(
I is a greedie rat. That’s wot Ma an Pa keep tellin me. But itz just that i has a big bellie. It needz lotz an lotz of kit-e-kat, ham, cheeze an me favorit sosiges to fill the enormus hole between me ears an me bum. For exampul, wen me parentz went away to the place they used to live, the nice gurl down the road fed me for five dayz. She didnt wotch Big Catz boul like me Ma does so I nikked lotz of her food too. I waz a very full an happie rat an was such a clever girl becoz i inventid a new game called Roll the Rodent. That is becoz walkin on me pawz has becom a bit hard with a large tummie so I find that rolypolyin everywhere is best.
Now me parentz are bak home, they has put me on somefink called a Diot. Itz not very nice becoz i doesnt get me spechul crunchies at nite anymore. Worse still, there are no more sosiges. I is rafer annoyed. So i keepz bitin ancles an eatin jumperz in the hope that they will see wot a poor starvin rat i is.
Big Cat brught home a mouz the other day. The tail was delishus but Ma made a funny squeaky sownd when she sawz me and then Big Cat ran off an woodnt let me eet the rest.
At leest me parentz letz me sleep rite by the firey thing so i is warm an snugly. Sometimes I crawl betweens them at nite to keep warm an to nibble their toze. They is quite nice to eet. I made a nice big love puff the other day but Daddie said it was too smellie and shuved me out of bed.
I hope this Diot thing endz soon becoz me tummie keepz makin strange noizes. Ma sayz that Auntie Chloee is comin to stay soon… maybe if I look reely cute she will bring me sum sosiges. I must practiz me extra lowd bumblez and sad face.
Now me parentz are bak home, they has put me on somefink called a Diot. Itz not very nice becoz i doesnt get me spechul crunchies at nite anymore. Worse still, there are no more sosiges. I is rafer annoyed. So i keepz bitin ancles an eatin jumperz in the hope that they will see wot a poor starvin rat i is.
Big Cat brught home a mouz the other day. The tail was delishus but Ma made a funny squeaky sownd when she sawz me and then Big Cat ran off an woodnt let me eet the rest.
At leest me parentz letz me sleep rite by the firey thing so i is warm an snugly. Sometimes I crawl betweens them at nite to keep warm an to nibble their toze. They is quite nice to eet. I made a nice big love puff the other day but Daddie said it was too smellie and shuved me out of bed.
I hope this Diot thing endz soon becoz me tummie keepz makin strange noizes. Ma sayz that Auntie Chloee is comin to stay soon… maybe if I look reely cute she will bring me sum sosiges. I must practiz me extra lowd bumblez and sad face.
9 October 2010
Strange happenings
Weed Staveley paws:
I think I may have to rip up a cushion in protest… too much has been going on at Weed Villas. Firstly, my human slaves had the audacity to go off on two jaunts in one month without me, leaving me without 24 hour crunchies and having to find a refuge away from my half-sister, henceforth known as the little black rat (LBR). Then came a whole stream of visitors which not only meant lots of cackling, the vile smell of that strange red liquid stuff in glasses and my slaves not being up early to give me breakfast when I order it but also that I could not sleep in my favourite places on top of the spare duvet (newly washed, naturally) or on the furry chair (furry, because I sleep on it!) And I nearly left home when one of the guests brought a white mutt with them. It’s outrageous. We operate a No Dogs policy at Weed Villas… primarily because they scare the whiskers off me.
To add further insult, my male slave (ok Daddy) asked the builders to come back so there has been lots of noise, dust in my bowl and nowhere to sit in the dining room because they’ve taken the sofa out. And as for Mummy, well, I’ve hardly had so much as a cuddle or a fuss as she’s been spending days up ladders with bits of paper in her hands and a strange stick with UHU written on it. Is that something to do with aliens? Have they taken over her body? I’d better pounce on her head early in the morning just to make sure it’s still ‘her’…
It’s all too much for an elderly lady from Batt’sea, I tell you. Even the lovely half-dead mouse that I brought in as a softener for my parents didn’t get the reception it deserved. What else is a cat to do?
When I get a moment’s peace, I spend it in my refuge in the cantina where I am busy drawing up plans for world domination. So far it involves 23 cat friends, a long piece of string, a pea-shooter and some out-of-date mascarpone. But please don’t tell the LBR as she’s bound to rat, being one herself.
Goodbye for now, comrades.
I think I may have to rip up a cushion in protest… too much has been going on at Weed Villas. Firstly, my human slaves had the audacity to go off on two jaunts in one month without me, leaving me without 24 hour crunchies and having to find a refuge away from my half-sister, henceforth known as the little black rat (LBR). Then came a whole stream of visitors which not only meant lots of cackling, the vile smell of that strange red liquid stuff in glasses and my slaves not being up early to give me breakfast when I order it but also that I could not sleep in my favourite places on top of the spare duvet (newly washed, naturally) or on the furry chair (furry, because I sleep on it!) And I nearly left home when one of the guests brought a white mutt with them. It’s outrageous. We operate a No Dogs policy at Weed Villas… primarily because they scare the whiskers off me.
To add further insult, my male slave (ok Daddy) asked the builders to come back so there has been lots of noise, dust in my bowl and nowhere to sit in the dining room because they’ve taken the sofa out. And as for Mummy, well, I’ve hardly had so much as a cuddle or a fuss as she’s been spending days up ladders with bits of paper in her hands and a strange stick with UHU written on it. Is that something to do with aliens? Have they taken over her body? I’d better pounce on her head early in the morning just to make sure it’s still ‘her’…
It’s all too much for an elderly lady from Batt’sea, I tell you. Even the lovely half-dead mouse that I brought in as a softener for my parents didn’t get the reception it deserved. What else is a cat to do?
When I get a moment’s peace, I spend it in my refuge in the cantina where I am busy drawing up plans for world domination. So far it involves 23 cat friends, a long piece of string, a pea-shooter and some out-of-date mascarpone. But please don’t tell the LBR as she’s bound to rat, being one herself.
Goodbye for now, comrades.
YUM!
Stinky dribbles:
I is allwayz hungree. It was nice today becoz daddy an mummy cleared out the frige so I got onto the worktop and stole lotz of treetz. Mmmmm – sosiges are my favoret!
Itz bean cold at our howse so ive been hiding under the duvay in ma an pa’s room as itz so snuggely. Daddy sayz that I have won the lotto, but I dont know wot that meenz. I hope its edibel. They dont seem to mind me sharing their bed at nite as I keeps their toez warm, except at 5 in the morning when I squeez in between them and bumbel as lowdly as I can. Sumtimes I uses me clawz, sumtimes i pownce on their head, sumtimes I just likk them all over. I wants them to wake up becoz i needs my brekfast, i do. Actually I needs my brekfast, elevensies, twelvesies, lunch, dinner, supper, midnite snax and a few treets in between. When I is not eeting stuff from cupbordz and friges, i likes eeting moffs and spiderz. I also luve to pownce on an nibble cricketz in the gardin. And mummy has bought a new dress and it was so nice to drool on an try to eet the sparkly bitz.
Itz been reely nice for the last few dayz becoz mummy hasn’t bean very well so ive bean able to lick her dressing gown a lot and bite her ankels wifout her telling me off, altho she did shout at me when I chased Big Cat. Big Cat is such a good runner, I cant help it! She doesnt like me very much tho coz she cant speek italien.
I luves me mummy. She looked after me wen I waz so small my seeing sawcers werent even open an she browght me up good an proper too. I is nawghty now but she tells me she still luves me. She allwayz lets me nuzzle into her nekk and plays stick games wif me. I help her in the gardin and i is espechally clever at making holes in her vegitible patch.
Daddy is my favoret tho. He was the one who found me alltho he thowght i was a ferrit. Now i is all grown up into a sort of cat, but he sayz me ears are too big, me head is too small, me legs are too long, me tong is too licky an me meeow is too squeeky to be a proper cat. I dont mind coz it makes me ewe unik uneeq... unusuel. Daddy playz lots. He putz me on his nees upsidedown an I stickz my paws in the air an he pushes them up an down. Its such a fun game an sumtimes we do it for hourz. I is a very lucky rat-cat.
Well, ive just bean given me delishus dinner so I is a bit snoozy now. Better go an find somewhere warm an soft an preferably made of silk to sleep on.
Nitey nite.
I is allwayz hungree. It was nice today becoz daddy an mummy cleared out the frige so I got onto the worktop and stole lotz of treetz. Mmmmm – sosiges are my favoret!
Itz bean cold at our howse so ive been hiding under the duvay in ma an pa’s room as itz so snuggely. Daddy sayz that I have won the lotto, but I dont know wot that meenz. I hope its edibel. They dont seem to mind me sharing their bed at nite as I keeps their toez warm, except at 5 in the morning when I squeez in between them and bumbel as lowdly as I can. Sumtimes I uses me clawz, sumtimes i pownce on their head, sumtimes I just likk them all over. I wants them to wake up becoz i needs my brekfast, i do. Actually I needs my brekfast, elevensies, twelvesies, lunch, dinner, supper, midnite snax and a few treets in between. When I is not eeting stuff from cupbordz and friges, i likes eeting moffs and spiderz. I also luve to pownce on an nibble cricketz in the gardin. And mummy has bought a new dress and it was so nice to drool on an try to eet the sparkly bitz.
Itz been reely nice for the last few dayz becoz mummy hasn’t bean very well so ive bean able to lick her dressing gown a lot and bite her ankels wifout her telling me off, altho she did shout at me when I chased Big Cat. Big Cat is such a good runner, I cant help it! She doesnt like me very much tho coz she cant speek italien.
I luves me mummy. She looked after me wen I waz so small my seeing sawcers werent even open an she browght me up good an proper too. I is nawghty now but she tells me she still luves me. She allwayz lets me nuzzle into her nekk and plays stick games wif me. I help her in the gardin and i is espechally clever at making holes in her vegitible patch.
Daddy is my favoret tho. He was the one who found me alltho he thowght i was a ferrit. Now i is all grown up into a sort of cat, but he sayz me ears are too big, me head is too small, me legs are too long, me tong is too licky an me meeow is too squeeky to be a proper cat. I dont mind coz it makes me ewe unik uneeq... unusuel. Daddy playz lots. He putz me on his nees upsidedown an I stickz my paws in the air an he pushes them up an down. Its such a fun game an sumtimes we do it for hourz. I is a very lucky rat-cat.
Well, ive just bean given me delishus dinner so I is a bit snoozy now. Better go an find somewhere warm an soft an preferably made of silk to sleep on.
Nitey nite.
7 September 2010
Me? Ow.
Under the threat of Stinky's claws, Weed writes:
Dear Bewhiskered Bloggers
We welcome you with open paws to the first entry of our diary on the musings and misadventures of two cats in Tuscany. I apologise in advance for the spelling errors of my illegitimate sister, Stinky, but she is rather stupid and also foreign. To be fair, it is quite tricky to type with large furry pads, as I'm sure you know.
Her posts will inevitably involve sausages and licking as many things as possible, whereas mine is a more intelligent pastiche on feline life, intertwined with ongoing plots to rally my cat cousins into helping me take over the world.
We hope that you enjoy it and subscribe to us.
Love, licks and bumbles,
Weed (and The Other One)
X x
Dear Bewhiskered Bloggers
We welcome you with open paws to the first entry of our diary on the musings and misadventures of two cats in Tuscany. I apologise in advance for the spelling errors of my illegitimate sister, Stinky, but she is rather stupid and also foreign. To be fair, it is quite tricky to type with large furry pads, as I'm sure you know.
Her posts will inevitably involve sausages and licking as many things as possible, whereas mine is a more intelligent pastiche on feline life, intertwined with ongoing plots to rally my cat cousins into helping me take over the world.
We hope that you enjoy it and subscribe to us.
Love, licks and bumbles,
Weed (and The Other One)
X x
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