Medicine – Weed’s version

That’s it. I’m packing my favourite toy mouse and tin of crunchies and I’m leaving. As if the introduction of the LBR, the lack of silver service, inadequate heating and the threat of my inner sanctum being converted into a home cinema wasn’t enough, I am now being force-fed!

Today was medicine day, apparently. Although obviously, determined not to be controlled, I led a single-cat rebellion against my evil parents’ plans.

Just before supper, as I was sitting beside my bowl singing the delicately moving aria ‘Oh mio caro papa, feed me per favore’ (Madame Bottyfluff), from out of nowhere, Daddy scooped me up and pinned me to his chest, while mummy prized open my beautiful fluffy jaws, produced an enormous white slab, and tried to pop the ghastly thing into my mouth.

Of course, my fellow felines, you would have been so proud of my resistance…

Despite my human restraints, I managed to scratch Mummy’s arm and spew the pill onto Daddy’s best cashmere jumper.

On the second attempt, I spat out the now half-mangled blob even quicker – this time onto Daddy’s arm, leaving white, gritty drool marks everywhere.

On the third attempt, mother was now bleeding and swearing as I lashed out my sharpest claws and hissed, growled and cursed at the pair of traitors formerly known as my parents. Another cat victory.

It was all-out Man v Feline War.

On Attempt Four, after a fine display of the best acting a feline can muster, just when I had tricked them into thinking it had been swallowed, I retched a now slightly smaller white mush onto the floor.

At this point, the enemy was weakened in their scrabble to salvage the blob, so I managed to rip the female’s top, break free and run for freedom! But the blighters were more conniving than I thought: They had shut the door. Damn.

By attempt number five, through more blood, fur-flying and panic, I did an impressive long-distance projectile across the lounge.

But despite breathlessness and injuries, still they continued in their stupid campaign. This time, the Male Traitor wrestled me into the famously immoveable Whisker-Hold while the Female one used her two remaining healthy fingers to shove the pill to the back of my trembling throat. What is a cat to do? Well, more scratching and looking seriously annoyed, obviously, but I’m afraid that I was caught off-guard by glancing at the bag of crunchies on the worktop and they finally seized the opportunity to drug me! I’m hoping that it will not kill me. Female Traitor says it’s something to do with me having worms, but I haven’t eaten any worms since I was a kitten, so I think it’s just a ruse to make me submissive.

As I said, I’m leaving this torture facility any minute now. Just need to have a little nap on the sofa by the fire first. Purely for energy to continue my fight, you understand…

Medisin – Stinky’s version

I dont lik diots! It is not going well an i is a grumpy rat. No sosiges for weeks – can you imagin?! That sed, a few dayz ago i did nik quite a lot of choclit cayke that Ma had baked for Auntie Chloee and that was reelly yummy. My tummy looked even bigger an nicer afterwardz.

I wonder if it mite be my birfday today becoz I gotz an even more spechul treet. Sumfink to do wif Big Cat havin wurms, mummy sed. Is that an inglish puddin?

I was quite jelus of Big Cat wen I saw her bein fed her porshun so i was reely excited to see me Ma reach into the nice silver packit an get one for me too. Of corse I gobbled it up reely quick. It was delishush! I likked me lips an then gave Ma an Pa a grateful kiss. I hopes i get anuffer one tomorrow.